One month ago today, you transitioned into a new life. You unwillingly (I'm sure) left not only your daughters but a host of friends and family. You were and are still loved by MANY people. I can't speak for everyone but only for myself and I will attempt to truly express my emotions.
You grew up as an only son in a single parent household. You were raised with your cousins which turned those relationships into brothers and sisters. Later you found out that you had a brother and was blessed to not only meet but developed a wonderful loving relationship. You met and married a woman who was the love of your life until she passed away in 2003. You gave unconditional love to all you came in contact with. Your in-laws weren't in-laws. They were your family. Your co-workers weren't your co-workers. They too were your family. Love flowed from you like water. I would watch and admire how generous you were. We had many conversations which explained why you were the man we all knew. Life taught you many lessons and you used your experiences to break the cycle so to say.
You made it a point to be active in my life. I remember you working the 4pm to 12pm shift when I was very young. I would wake you up to watch "Sesame Street" and cartoons and not one time did you ever yell at me or ask me to leave you alone. You would fall asleep and pretend you knew what was happening but you always welcomed me in. We would watch "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood" and sing along and we murdered the theme to "All In The Family". When I was old enough to go to school, I would wake you up to say "See you later" and you would hug and kiss me good-bye, tell me to have a good day, gave me my allowance when the time came for it (even slid me a little extra something at times), and sent me on my way. You made sure to involve yourself in my life. Wanting to know who my friends were, what my teachers names were, what classes I was taking, "What did you learn today?", etc...
When I became interested in cooking, you were right there to cheer me on. You also made it a point to be brutally honest when a dish or dessert wasn't good. When college didn't seem to be in the works, you spoke with the Chef at MSG and asked that he give me a shot. I would hear you talk about all the people you saw while working when I was younger and see some of the great things you brought home from work and say I wanted to work there. I was going to be the first female laborer in that department. After all, it was you who told me that a woman can do anything a man did. I was going to break ground and make a difference. Who knew that I would speak it into existence? No, I didn't make it to the labor gang but I worked at Madison Square Garden for 12 years. I worked all kitchen departments and stations. Working in a place I dreamed of being in as a kid and doing something I've loved every since I could remember... What?! You were my daddy but also a co-worker and my friend. How did that happen?
I lived with you and mommy all the way till the end. Every time I tried to make a move to leave, something would happen that kept me with you both. I was unsure as to why everyone else got to leave and make their own way. I didn't want to be a burden and felt the need to start my life on my own terms. I didn't feel stuck but something wasn't quite right. I did however remain because I knew God kept me with you for a reason. I teased and called myself Lamont Sanford and not once did you make me feel as if I was in the way. In fact, you opened up your home to me and allowed me to have my own sense of independence. "Make this house your own" you would tell me. I redecorated my bedroom, you and I picked out new living room furniture, we went half on making over the kitchen, we went half on getting the new heater, when we went grocery shopping you had a cart and I had a cart, and the latest was when you gave me a room to turn it into whatever I wanted. Every silly thing I came up with you would say that if that's what I wanted it to be then it's fine with you. I turned it into an office and you were more excited about it than I was. I was overwhelmed with emotions because how you allowed me to not only live in this house with you but allowed me to share it with you.
You and I had a bond and connection that unfortunately many haven't experienced. One common theme other than love is how encouraging you have always been. You told it like it was (sometimes a little too much of how it was) but you never made me feel unloved or ignored. You made sure to include me in your conversations. You and I had tv nights, take out nights, helped me cook, cooked when I wasn't able to, we hung out like father & daughter, we hung like two old buddies, ignored me when I was being silly, cared for me when I was sick/recovering from my surgeries, protected me when I was unable to protect myself, comforted me when I was too prideful to ask for it, and gave me advice when I asked for it or needed it. I was able to confide in you and trusted you 100%. You confided in me and trusted me 100%.
You put on a brave face but I knew how devastating it was for you when mommy died. I saw the hurt in your face when I got injured at work and wasn't getting better. I saw the fear and hurt when I needed to have my surgeries. I also saw the relief when I started to heal and started getting my independence back. You would tell me to relax when I pushed myself too much. I must have done something in my former life that was outstanding because this life is a blessed one for me.
I miss you daily. How devastating it is to know that my hero who was invincible was human after all? It sucks because I'm no longer anyone's "baby girl". I was forced into adulthood when mommy passed but I could retreat into baby girl mode when I needed to. Now it's adult mode until we meet again. Don't worry though. I'm not alone. You set me up with a wonderful support team. You brought everyone together and showed us all how much we truly need each other. The level of love has increased and it's a beautiful thing to see. All of our eyes are opened and in our own way, we each are realizing what is important. You are presenting opportunities that we have been trying to ignore and forcing us to take chances we normally wouldn't have. Playing it safe is no longer an option. You speak to me through many different outlets and when I have a question about something, the answer comes rather quickly. You are still looking out for me and I am grateful. I would rather you be here but I also understand that God knows best. I forgive you for leaving me so soon. I wasn't ready or even prepared for your departure but I know none of that is up to me. If that were the case, both you and mommy would still be here. I can take comfort in knowing that you loved me and you knew how much I loved you.
All I can do is try to continue to be the woman you and mommy raised me to be. I'm not perfect nor do I try to be but I want to honor you in the best way. I want folks to see me as Andrea/Moosie but I also want them to see you and mommy in me. I would hope to be remembered in a positive light like you and mommy are. I will never reach the status of greatness because the bars you two set are beyond reach but I will continue to be the best me I can be. You have set me up on the right path and it's up to me to keep going. I will stumble along the way. Sometimes on purpose, most times by accident but I will carry on. My heart aches from the pain of you not being here. I need to go through the changes of turning that ache into love like I did with mommy. I won't allow my grief to cripple me though. Folks see me and tell me how strong I am but my strength comes from my loved ones and to tell the truth, from you and mommy. Neither one of you showed weakness. You were warriors and so am I.
I will end this by saying that I thank you for being my father and I thank you for being my friend. I thank you for taking care of your family and I thank you for being the man you were. You are a fine example of the kind of gentleman, husband, father, and friend everyone needs in their life. I will forever miss and love my daddy!
